A Bitter Sweet Mother’s Day

Today has been a long day, which is weird since I was able to sleep on and off until 2pm thanks to my husband. I have still not been able to catch up on my sleep. Even now I’m exhausted. Being a stay-at-home mom is seriously the hardest job in the world. It’s 24/7, it’s SO much work, and takes SO much patience. I don’t know how there are so many mothers out there who seem so sane because I am certainly being driven completely nuts. If it’s not one child crying, it’s the other, and my two year old has really been trying to test his limits lately. Apparently he thinks that if I’m taking care of the baby in any way, that means I won’t get up to put him on time out. Yeah. Wrong, Kiddo! So from experience, and not much even, I know that mothers are absolutely the greatest blessing in the world.

This Mother’s Day has been particularly hard on me. This time last year, I was still in shock after the loss of our 2nd baby, and that time is kind of a blur. This year, even after just giving birth to a healthy little boy, I’ve been thinking a lot about our Angel Baby. I miss him so much and wish I could hold him in my arms. It’s strange to think I should have three little ones to take care of right now. Our due date was July 1st last year so we should be planning his first birthday party right now. We’d have a 2 and a half year old, a 10 month old, and a newborn. And I think life is hectic now, right? I can’t even imagine. ….no, that’s not true. I can imagine it and there’s nothing else I’d rather have right now. It pains me to know that my living sons won’t grow up with their brother and that we aren’t raising him. Because of our loss, I try to hold my boys more and kiss them more and let them know that I love them more. I hope they know that I love them and I hope I never have to go through anything like this again. I don’t think I’d be able to handle it a second time. It’s a terrifying but real thought that I have almost daily. I try not to be so negative, but it’s hard. The sadness and fear that comes from the loss of a child is tremendous. My loss is still so fresh in my mind and heart that if I let myself truly think about the day they told us there was no heartbeat and the next day, when I delivered him, I literally break down in tears and sobs, like now. I miss my baby so much. It’s so unfair to think that there are women who deliver babies earlier in the pregnancy than I did and those babies, while they have their own set of medical issues, survive and thrive. Wow, this post was not meant to be so negative.

I am sad that I don’t get to raise my baby boy, but I do know that I will be with again him in Heaven. And I am extremely grateful for the children I have gotten to raise so far and hopefully will in the future. I have good days and bad, like everyone else. I just try and take life day by day.

I really just want to wish all mother’s a happy Mother’s Day, but especially those mothers who can’t hold their babies today, or haven’t been able to conceive at all. My heart goes out to all of you and just know that I am here for you all.

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